If I ever get married, I might come close to becoming the Anti-Bride: No David's Bridal, no diamond rings, no tulle, no chocolate fountain. And that attitude will surely be brought to the table when it's time to consider the music. No Wagner's bridal chorus. No Ave Maria. No Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring. No Vivaldi or Air on a G String. (Remember, kids, that "G string" didn't always mean what we think of today!)

What about the reception? Well, I hope that most of you will agree with me that some songs just don't belong at weddings because they are inappropriate for the occasion. For example:

"I Will Always Love You," Dolly Parton or Whitney Houston, or anybody. It's about a breakup, people.

"Every Breath You Take," The Police. Holy crap, stalk much?

"Two Steps Behind," Def Leppard. See above.

"Ready to Run" by the Dixie Chicks. It's on the soundtrack to the movie "Runaway Bride" for a reason.

"I Will Survive," Gloria Gaynor. Great party song, but not for a wedding reception.

"If You Wanna Be Happy For the Rest of Your Life" by Jimmy Soul. Let's not forget that they advocate marrying an ugly girl.

"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. Do we really need to be questioning paternity on a wedding day?

"I Heard It Through the Grapevine," Marvin Gaye.

"Who Are You," The Who. As one wedding guide put it, "To be played for arranged marriages only."

"You Oughta Know," Alannis Morisette. Especially if an ex-girlfriend has been invited.

"50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," Paul Simon.

"Love is a Battlefield" Pat Benetar

"You Give Love a Bad Name" Bon Jovi

"One" by U2. I'm always baffled at people who think it's a lovey dovey song when in reality it's about breaking up.

"Tainted Love" by Soft Cell

"Evil Woman" Electric Light Orchestra

"Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus

"Angel" by Aerosmith. It's beautiful, but it's a guy begging a girl to come back.

"A Broken Vow" by Josh Groban

"Love Hurts" Nazareth

"Love Bites" Def Leppard

"Love Stinks" J. Geils Band.

"When Love and Hate Collide" or "Bringing on the Heartbreak" by Def Leppard

"Super Freak" by Rick James

"Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder. Unless, of course, you guys have agreed to an open marriage or polyandry/polygyny. (No, I am not a poor speller... polygyny is the anthropological term for a man married to more than one woman.)

"Black" by Pearl Jam

"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. It's a song about hook-ups, not long-lasting love.

"More Than a Feeling" by Boston

"Love Her Madly" by the Doors

"November Rain" by Guns N' Roses.

"Every Rose Has Its Thorn" Poison

"Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" Steam

"I Touch Myself" by Divinyls. The thought of this song playing with my grandmother in the room is not a comfortable one.

"Hit the Road Jack"

"You Look So Good in Love" George Strait. He's talking about how she looks when she's in love with another man.

"Estoy Aquí" by Shakira. I love the song, but again, it doesn't belong at a wedding.

"The Dance" by Garth Brooks. He's singing about the end of a relationship.

"Don't Turn Around" by Ace of Base

"Hate Me" by Blue October

"It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy. Not only is it the most pathetic excuse for cheating, but we really don't need to hear about finding one's boyfriend butt naked with another girl on the day two people pledge a long-term commitment.

"Lips of an Angel" by Hinder


Some songs, are just WAY overdone, in my opinion, and consequently I'd rather not have them at my wedding if I ever get married.

Anyone's version of "Wind Beneath My Wings."

Anyone's version of "I Do (Cherish You)"

Anyone's version of "I Swear."

Anyone's version of "Butterfly Kisses"

"Through the Eyes of Love" (theme from Ice Castles)

"On the Wings of Love" by Jeffrey Osborne

"Daughters" by John Mayer

"Can You Feel the Love Tonight." Something I skated to. Not a very good year.

"A Whole New World."

"How Do I Live" by LeAnn Rimes.

"Celebration" by Kool and the Gang

"Amazed" by Lonestar

"It's Your Love" by Faith Hill and Tim McGraw

"One Hand, One Heart" by West Side Story.

"L-O-V-E" by Nat King Cole

"Babe" or "Lady" by Styx

"Everything I Do" by Bryan Adams

"Here and Now" by Luther Vandross

"Beginnings" or "You're the Inspiration" by Chicago

The Chicken Dance. I am not even kidding. If guests want a group dance they can all join in, they can have the Hokey Pokey, the Limbo, the Electric and Cha Cha slides, and any ethnic dance imaginable. But no chicken dance. Period. I ought to ban the Macarena, too.

"Last Dance" by Donna Summer

"When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge

"It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls.

"A Moment Like This" by Kelly Clarkson.

"Forever and Ever, Amen" by Randy Travis.

(There are some "overdone" songs like "Shout" or "Y.M.C.A."or George Strait's "I Cross My Heart" that I'd still tolerate, and others like Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are" that I'd embrace wholly, unless of course my hypothetical fiance felt otherwise.)

But I admit, there are also songs that I'd ban just because I personally think they are too annoying in any context, including (but not necessarily limited to):

Anything too religious.

Anything "gangsta."

Anything by anyone who has ever been on or tried out for American Idol. (Jennifer Hudson is the only possible exception, but I'd have to find something of hers I liked. Kelly Clarkson's okay, but none of the songs I like of hers are appropriate for a wedding reception.)

Anything Trace Adkins, especially "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."

Anything ABBA

Anything Backstreet Boys. (I cringe to admit that there are two songs of theirs that I like, but again, they are both inappropriate for a wedding.)

Anything James Blunt. That "You're Beautiful" song makes me want to scream and the world only needs one Rod Stewartish type.

Anything Coldplay

Anything Creed.

Anything Celine Dion

Anything Hillary Duff. I profoundly respect her for not falling into the same trap as some of her peers, but I'm still not a fan of her songs.

Anything Fallout Boy

Anything Fergie (the gal from Black-Eyed Peas who effectively ruined what used to be a decent group. There are a few pre-Fergie BEP songs I'm okay with.)

Anything Hanson

Anything Heart

Anything Paris Hilton

Anything Toby Keith

Anything R. Kelly.

Anything Kid Rock

Anything Trace Lawrence

Anything Lindsay Blowhan, erm, I mean Lohan

Anything Motley Crue

Anything Nelly

Anything N'Sync.

Anything Pussy Cat Dolls

Anything Shakira in English. (I love her, though, when she sticks to Spanish!)

Anything Ashlee or Jessica Simpson

Anything Gwen Stefani. No Doubt is debatable.

Anything Britney Spears

Anything Justin Timberlake.

Anything Usher

Anything Kanye West.

Anything from Little Mary Sunshine or Meet Me in St. Louis. Dawn, I hope you're reading this!!!

The Thong Song.

That Milkshake song

That Gasolina song

"Party Like a Rock Star" by I-forget-who

"My Goodies" by Ciara

"Are You That Somebody" by Aaliyah

"Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" by Big and Rich

"Chapel of Love" by the Dixie Cups

"Asereje" better known as the Ketchup Song by Las Ketchup

"Blue (Da Ba Dee)" by Eiffel 65

"My Humps" by the Black-Eyed Peas.

"Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot

"Temperature" by Sean Paul

"This is Why I'm Hot." by I-forget-who

"Get Your Freak On" by Missy Elliot.

"Shake That" by Eminem. Actually, I'm tempted to say anything Eminem, period.

"Who Let The Dogs Out" by the Baha Men.

"Barbie Girl" by Aqua

"Mambo Number Five" by Lou Bega

"Living For You" by Boston. My ex-boyfriend ruined this for me :-P

"Girls" by the Beastie Boys

"Believe" by Cher

"Hero" by Mariah Carey

"Drop it Like It's Hot" by Snoop

"The Sign" by Ace of Base

"We Like to Party" by the Venga Boys

"Elvira" by the Oak Ridge Boys

"Keeper of the Stars" by Tracy Byrd

"Lose My Breath" by Destiny's Child.

"Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice. I can't forgive him for ripping off Queen.

"I Would Do Anything For Love" Meat Loaf

"The Reason" by Hoobastank

"Dirrty" or "Genie in a Bottle" by Christina Aguilera