Sexiquette (this entry rated PG-13)
Disclaimer: I read the terms of service for this site and am not quite sure if this crosses the line in terms of being obscene or vulgar, I hope not because while some of these are true stories this is meant to be in fun. While this entry does not get explicit it is (obviously) about various sexual acts. Do not read if you are sensitive about this subject, think it could be too much information, or do not have a sense of humor about what happens in bedrooms, cars, and kitchens.One of my friends has inspired/helped me to compile a list of rules of sex etiquette, or "sexiquette" if you will. He has pointed out that this makes him sound like my pervy springboard, but it's actually that we were talking about something else entirely when the subject of weird things that happen during sex came up. Some of these breaches of "sexiquette" either he or I had first hand experience with, others have been related to us from friends, and some are just ones we randomly thought up. Which ones are which we leave up to the vivid imaginations of readers!
- All relations must be consensual on the part of all parties involved. No means no. Being unable to say no (e.g. unconscious, intoxicated or animal) does not under any circumstances equal "yes."
- As far as a woman is concerned, foreplay is never optional.
- Saying, "Let's have sex" or variations thereof does not by itself constitute foreplay.
- Kissing needn't stop just because foreplay is over and the "main event" has started.
- Don't just lie back and watch your partner put on a condom (unless he gets off on doing it himself). Help him out, keep yourself involved in the fun.
- Telling your partner how they measure up (body-wise or performance wise) to any of your exes is bad form, unless of course you tell them they're the best you've ever had!
- If your partner is groaning with pleasure one moment and dead silent the next, keep in mind the distinct possibility that you may be doing something less than right.
- Tom Petty lied, the waiting can sometimes be the best part.
- Don't assume that just because you like a certain thing (like a tongue in your ear or pulling of hair) that your partner will be wild about it as well.
- When in doubt, use lube.
- If you believe oral will be involved at any point, make sure it's a lube that doesn't taste horrible.
- When trying out a new sexy outfit for the first time, practice also taking it OFF. This will save time in case your partner can't quite figure it out.
- On a similar note, if a partner is stripping you and has a difficult time trying to take off your bra/pants/etc., it's far more productive to help them out than to sit back and laugh at them.
- Be considerate of others who might hear you guys getting it on, unless you (and your potential audience) are into that kind of thing.
- Don't leave your partner in bed while you go read Shakespeare (or anyone else for that matter) moments after climaxing. That's just wrong on so many levels. Possible exception to this is getting out love poetry and reading it to your partner, but otherwise, don't even think about it.
- If you're horny enough to proposition your partner while a sporting event is being broadcast, turn the TV off or at least don't keep looking back at the screen whilst in the throes. That's just weird.
- If there are animals in your house, make sure you close the door before getting it on. Making love and suddenly feeling a dog licking your face doesn't do it for most people, and most people don't like that kind of... oh, bygones...
- If you wake up horny in the middle of the night and your partner is sound asleep, it's very impolite to wake them up for sex.
- Should you ignore #18, at least have the decency not to put your partner in a position where THEY have to do most of the work.
- When having oral sex performed upon you, if you have even the slightest inkling that you might need to pass gas, inform your partner immediately. A few seconds' interruption while you go to the washroom and come back will be significantly less distracting to the overall mood than a direct hit of a fart in their face.
- Be careful when consuming garlic, onions, coffee, asparagus, heavy spices, or excessive amounts of animal products shortly before romancing your partner. They can not only affect your body odor, but also the taste of your, erm, secretions. Also be wary of beans to avoid #20!
- Never bite another's genitals without asking, not even gently. Very few people like the feel of teeth on their naughty bits, unless of course your partner's theme song is the Masochism Tango.
- Similarly, never let your hands, tongue, feet, or other probing organ touch a partner's anus without having previously established that they are okay with this.
- Again on that note, never involve urine, feces, blood, or third parties unless explicit consent has been expressed prior.
- Yelling out another's name during sex is probably not a good idea.
- When getting down and dirty in a car, be careful to avoid hitting armrests, windows, steering wheels, or the horn. And for heaven's sake don't do it while one of you is driving!!!
- It's also quite impolite to take a piss scant seconds after completion of a blow job, whilst the fellater is still watching
- Soft moaning in a partner's ear is hot. Loud screaming in their ear is not.
- Don't come in your partner's face if they are wearing contact lenses.
- If a woman is having sex during her period, inform your partner of this beforehand, be thoughtful and put a towel under your bum to prevent staining the sheets. And if your partner is male, never, EVER let him see you take out your tampon. Unless he's weird and is into that sort of thing...
- It's proper to cuddle after sex, but don't be offended if your partner falls asleep. Think of it as their way of saying, "great job!" And don't expect intellectual or deep conversation immediately following coitus.
- When using handcuffs or other restraints, make sure the key is in a safe place and never cut off circulation.
- Only clean fingers with trimmed fingernails should go into another's orifices.
- Be careful when biting/scratching/sucking, and do not do this in places where it could leave a mark that would be visible when partner is fully clothed, particularly the day before they have an important meeting at work.
- No kissing after the mouth has had genital or anal contact unless both parties have agreed upon it beforehand.
- If you have roommates/flatmates, be considerate and don't have sex in the common areas, particularly not the kitchen, and particularly not on the kitchen table.
- Turn off all cell phones, pagers and other electronic devices before getting your freak on. And don't start a heavy petting session when you know the pizza you guys ordered is due to arrive soon.
- No tongue kissing when you've both just woken up and probably have morning breath. Mouthwash first, please.
- Swallowing is always preferable to spitting. If you must spit, do so discreetly into a hanky or something, don't be obtrusive about it.
- Be careful and don't LITERALLY rip off clothing, especially if it's nice dresses or expensive suits.
- Don't attempt to have cyber-sex while other people are also on instant message with you. It's rude and there's too much potential for the wrong box getting your dirty thoughts sent.
- Know the difference between your partner's body language/noises/facial expressions for extreme ecstasy and extreme discomfort or pain.
- If you make the mess it's only fair you clean it up: e.g. put the sheets in the washing and hang them out to try afterwards, wipe things up off the floor, et cetera.
- Be careful when removing condom in order to avoid spillage, and be careful when tossing it (e.g. not just in the general direction of the wastebasket). Should you breach this rule, see #43.
- When incorporating chairs, tables or other pieces of furniture, make sure the surfaces are stable, lest you two wind up in a heap on the floor for all the wrong reasons.
Sorry I've not been around and have been a bad "friend." Two people I know died over the weekend, one was a girl I used to skate with (she was only 25 years old and was brutally murdered by someone else she knew), the other a former coworker who had been battling cancer for some time now. I wasn't incredibly close with either of them but it's all still very sad. I had one wake yesterday and the other is today. On top of that the weather has been absolutely horrible. Yesterday it was a clear, bright day, then all of a sudden, in fact not long after the girl's wake had started, it started pouring buckets, and we had a tremendous storm. Thank goodness I was safe inside for the moment and hadn't left yet for the wake, there were moments I would've sworm I'd accidentally teleported to Mexico and was in the middle of Hurricane Dean! (Being a Midwesterner maybe that's a bit melodramatic as I've never actually experienced a hurricane, but they did report gusts of 60 mph, and countless trees were downed in the course of the storm.) If I didn't know any better I'd have thought it was nature's way of a temper tantrum, howling in grief and bawling about the senseless murder of the girl. It did calm down sufficiently about four hours later and I made the wake. Not that any wake is ever a joyous occasion, but this was particularly sad due to the circumstances. My former coworker's wake is today and I am going later in the evening with some other former coworkers.
Anyway, sorry to ramble, but I've not been in the best of moods, hope you can forgive my absence, and will make the best attempt to catch up with you guys.
Want a child bride? Move to Arkansas while you still can!
This is why it helps to proofread before signing things into law! An article in today's
Chicago Sun-Times reports:
Typo lets toddlers marry in Arkansas
August 18, 2007
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. -- A law passed this year allows Arkansans of any age -- even infants -- to marry if their parents agree, and the governor may have to call a special session to fix the mistake, lawmakers said Friday.
The legislation was intended to establish 18 as the minimum age to marry but also allow pregnant teenagers to marry with parental consent, bill sponsor Rep. Will Bond said. An extraneous ''not'' in the bill, however, allows anyone who is not pregnant to marry at any age if the parents allow it.
The bill reads: ''In order for a person who is younger than eighteen (18) years of age and who is not pregnant to obtain a marriage license, the person must provide the county clerk with evidence of parental consent to the marriage.''
AP
-----------------------------------
Don't worry, I will get to the now-dubbed "Cheater Survey" shortly as well!
Pick a band/musical artist and answer only using that band's song titles:
I pick... The Handsome Family
Are you male or female?: The Woman Downstairs
Describe yourself: Stalled
How do some people feel about you?: Amelia Earhart vs. the Dancing Bear
How do you feel about yourself?: Flapping Your Broken Wings
Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest/spouse: The Giant of Illinois.
Where would you rather be?: Where the Birch Trees Lean
Describe what you want to be: A Beautiful Thing
Describe how you live: Drunk By Noon. (Just kidding!)
Describe how you love: In the Air
Share a few words of wisdom: Everything That Rises Must Converge
This isn't just an ordinary survey... Nope, when answering this one you use song lyrics. ONLY song lyrics. And tell us all who you're using the lyrics from and what song. Hope you enjoy!
WHO ARE YOU?
"Who I am, does it matter anyway? Who I am, what I've seen along the way. Who I am changes a little every day." Faith Hill, Who I Am.
"I am a poster girl with no poster, I am thirty-two flavors and then some." Ani DiFranco, 32 Flavors
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
"This is for all you girls about twenty-five." Martina McBride, This One's For the Girls
"I'm much too young to feel this damn old." Garth Brooks, Much Too Old
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
"Chicago is where the woman downstairs starved herself to death last summer." Handsome Family, The Woman Downstairs.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
"Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?" Chicago, Does Anybody Really Know What Time it Is
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
"I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes." Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine
"I'm just sitting around being foolish while there is work to be done." Tori Amos, Wednesday.
WHAT IS THE WEATHER LIKE?
"Sunny days, keeping the clouds away, I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day." Jars of Clay, Sunny Days
WHAT DO YOU LOVE? [the question says WHAT, not WHO, so that's what I'm going off of for this... see also "what is valuable to you" question]
"Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings." The Sound of Music, My Favorite Things
"I'm gonna be round my vegetables, I'm gonna chow down my vegetables." Beach Boys, Vegetables
"I thank you for the air to breathe, the heart to beat, the eyes to see again." Annie Lennox, A Thousand Beautiful Things
WHAT DO YOU HATE?
"It's not that we don't know, it's just that we don't want to care." Crosby Stills Nash and Young, To the Last Whale/Wind on the Water
"Those poor lost Indians when the white man found them. Most died of TB, the rest went insane..." Handsome Family, Weightless Again.
"Mother, Mother, there's far too many of you crying. Brother, brother, brother, there's far too many of you dying." Marvin Gaye, What's Goin' On
"Cargill, Monsanto, Merck, or Union Carbide, they go by so many names. But for the land and the people destroyed by their greed, the story is always the same." Kate Boverman and Ethan Miller, Invisible Hand.
"We got these energy companies who want to take the land...and turn our mother earth over to pollution war and greed." Indigo Girls, Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
"They dig for silver and for gold, and leave the empty holes." John Anderson, Seminole Wind
"Look at the hate we're breeding, look at the fear we're feeding." Guns N' Roses, Civil War
"The law don't change another's mind when all they see at the hiring time is the line on the color bar." Bruce Hornsby, The Way It Is
(Come on, I've done entire rants solely with song lyrics, do you really want me to continue???)
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE?
"The very thought of you, and I forget to do all the little ordinary things that everyone ought to do." Kurt Elling, The Very Thought of You.
"Thank you for being a friend." I forget who sings it, it's the theme song for Golden Girls. But anyway, I needed something to express a platonic kind of love, too!
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO SOMEONE YOU HATE?
"Forgive, sounds good. Forget, I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting." Dixie Chicks, Not Ready to Make Nice
WHAT EXACTLY IS LIFE?
"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you... Life has a funny way of helping you out." Alannis Morrisette, Ironic
"Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time." Des'ree, You Gotta Be
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find you get what you need." The Rolling Stones, You Can't Always Get What You Want
WHAT IS LOVE?
"I took the good times, I'll take the bad times. I'll take you just the way you are." Billy Joel, Just the Way You Are
"Kahore he pouri ekore etaea ete aroha." Maewa Kaihau, Ako-ako o te Rangi (Translation: There is no darkness love cannot light.")
"Love can be rough around the edges, tattered at the seams. Honey, if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me." Sara Evans, Perfect.
WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?
"Into the woods and through the trees." Into the Woods, title song.
"I seek a thousand answers, I find but one or two." Bad Religion, Against the Grain
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
"I said I wanna touch the Earth, I wanna break it in my hands, I wanna grow something wild and unruly. I wanna sleep on the hard ground in the comfort of your arms, on a pillow of blue-bonnets and a blanket made of stars." The Dixie Chicks, Cowboy Take Me Away
"You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find. I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside." Jars of Clay, Sunny Days.
SAY SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO EVERYONE YOU'RE SENDING THIS TO:
"Seize the day, seize whatever you can, 'cause life slips away just like hourglass sand." Carolyn Arends, Seize the Day
"Nothin' 'bout love makes sense." LeAnn Rimes, song of same name
WHAT ARE YOU?
"She is an author or maybe a poet, a genius but it's just this world doesn't know it." Carolyn Arends, Seize the Day
"She's a butterfly, pretty as a crimson sky, nothing's ever gonna bring her down." Martina McBride, She's a Butterfly
WHAT ARE YOUR FRIENDS TO YOU?
"When you're the best of friends sharing all that you discover..." The Fox and the Hound, Best of Friends
"You get me, when nobody understands, you come and take a chance." Michelle Branch, You Get Me
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT? [What DON"T I think about???)
"And I wonder where these dreams go when the world gets in your way? What's the point in all this screaming? No one's listening anyway." Goo Goo Dolls, Acoustic #3
"I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life." John Mayer, Why Georgia Why
WHAT IS VALUABLE TO YOU?
"All I need is the air that I breathe and my friends and family to believe in me." Trik Turner, Friends and Family
"She needs wide open spaces, room to make her big mistakes." Dixie Chicks, Wide Open Spaces.
"I have my books and my poetry to protect me." Simon and Garfunkel, I Am a Rock
"Open up the door, take a breath of fresh air, go diggin' in the dirt, see what you find there." Kate Boverman and Ethan Miller, Tree of Life
WHAT GIVES YOU HOPE?
"You probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day, but I promise you you'll see the sun again." Dido, See the Sun
"This is the world we live in, and these are the hands we're given. Use them and let's start trying to make it a place worth living in." Genesis, Land of Confusion
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
"Where the black water rolls and the tall grass sways, the eagles fly and the otters play..." John Anderson, Seminole Wind
"Goin' to California with an achin' in my heart." Led Zeppelin, Goin' to California
EXPLAIN YOURSELF(PERSONALITY):
"If you want me you can find me left of center, off of the strip." Susan Vega, Left of Center.
"I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way." Jewel, I'm Sensitive
"Is it any wonder I'm not crazy? Is it any wonder I'm sane at all?" Styx, Too Much Time on My Hands
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake!" song of same name.
"On a black rock is where I spend my time, writing a memory or writing a rhyme." OAR, Black Rock.
"Maybe I think too much." Paul Simon, Think Too Much
"You know I would, and I can prove it. I'll do anything spontaneously." Jason Mraz, I'll Do Anything
WHAT CAN'T YOU DO?
"We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way." Natasha Bedingfield, Unwritten.
"I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try, I'll never know." Wicked, Defying Gravity.
WHAT DO YOU WISH?
"If I had a magic wand of my own I would wave it over me, and over you, and over all this crazy world and make it right." Chris Rice, Magic Wand
"Let's impeach the president." Neil Young, song of same name.
"If you love me, say it. If you trust me, do it. If you want me, show it. If you need me, prove it." Brownstone, If You Love Me
WHAT ARE YOUR FEARS?
"We've strangled all her trees and starved her creatures, there's poison in the sea and in the air. But worst of all we've learned to live without her, we've lost the very meaning of our lives, and now she's gonna die." Kansas, Death of Mother Nature Suite
"All of these things I've held up in vain, no reason or rhyme, just the scars that remain. Of all of these things I'm so much afraid, scared out of my mind of the demons I've made." Jars of Clay, Much Afraid.
"So we carry every sadness with us, every hour our hearts were broken. Every night the fear and darkness lay down with us." Hem, Half Acre
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU IN THE PAST?
"Life happened." Tammy Cochran, song of same name.
"You can't talk about it because you're following a code of silence, you're never gonna lose the anger, you just deal with it a different way." Billy Joel, Code of Silence.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." Les Miserables, Do You Hear the People Sing?
"Shades of gray wherever I go, the more I find out, the less that I know." Billy Joel, Shades of Gray
"The more you love someone, the more he make you crazy." Avenue Q, The More You Ruv Someone
Now, write all the lyrics to the song that best describes you.
I'm gonna go with the one that seems most appropriate at this particular moment in time.
STAIND - So Far Away
This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’ve never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
(chorus)
And now that we're here,
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today
These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing ok
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
(chorus)
And now that were here
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all mistakes one life contains
They all finally start to go away
And now that were here
So far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today
I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please dont shake me
(chorus)
And now that were here
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes one life contains
They all finally start to go away
And now that were here
So far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today
love
